When Your Best is Never Good Enough: Life as a Perfectionist

I was lucky to grow up attending Fairfax County Public Schools from Kindergarten through senior year of high school (Go Centreville Wildcats!). FCPS is known for being one of the top-ranking school districts in the United States and includes some of the highest ranking schools in the state and even the country. FCPS students consistently score higher than the national average on the SAT. We’re proud to include Thomas Jefferson High School as one of our own (currently ranked #5 best school in the U.S. by U.S. News and World Report).

 Growing up in such a high-achieving and competitive environment, it’s easy to see how we can fall into the pit of perfectionism. Perfectionism manifests in so many ways. It can present as chronic anxiety, depression, disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and addiction. When we grow up competing for accolades and spots in the top colleges, it’s easy to tie self-worth to external achievements such as grades or test scores. While I ultimately consider it a privilege to have grown up in this rigorous environment, a significant part of my work as a mental health counselor is helping adults unlearn negative self-beliefs that fuel anxiety and depression.

 Many of the same students who were academically successful in school carry the same challenges (being overly self-critical, perfectionistic, anxious, on edge) into their adult lives. Some parents become obsessed with being the “perfect” mom or dad. Many adults struggle with work-life balance and tie their self-worth to their work performance, title, or salary.

 There are some common negative core beliefs that underlie perfectionism:

 I am not good enough.

It is not acceptable to make mistakes.

I must be perfect to be loved.

My value as a person comes from being productive or successful.

I must be in control of everything at all times or else something bad will happen.

 Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you understand your deeply rooted beliefs. This gives you the chance to consider what is driving your choices and to identify healthier, more adaptive beliefs to guide you. This doesn’t mean that we allow ourselves to become lazy or unmotivated; we are striving for balance and improved psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility leads to better resilience and improved mood and functioning.

 If you’re tired of beating yourself up and feeling worn out, consider giving therapy a chance to work on those negative beliefs that are bringing you down.